Alternative Endings

In his invulnerable car, Stewart follows the ninjas back to their, and Man’s, secret base.

Tall Girl Returns

• Script: Stewart enters the base, and runs through it, shooting many ninjas. Eventually, he finds Man. Man calls for backup, and a bunch of corrupt members of The New And Improved Explosive Amazing Super Ultra Powerful Stupendous Awesome Extreme Rodlenian DDA arrive. Stewart is outgunned and outnumbered. He shoots as many agents as he can, but runs out of ammo. Everything seems hopeless...until a tree flies into the room, killing the remaining agents. Tall Girl enters. Stewart takes a gun from one of the dead agents, and shoots Man. Man staggers. Tall Girl throws him at wall, killing him. Credits roll.

• Body Count: 24

Revenge of the Mad King

• Script: Stewart enters Man’s base. Man unmasks, revealing himself as Mad King Anthony. Anthony pulls out veto gun, and shoots Stewart several times. 25 ninjas appear and attack Stewart. Stewart takes one and throws it at another, and uses nuke on the rest. Anthony and Stewart have epic duel, but at the end Stewart loses and Anthony uses Kirby/Sonic-Taunt Japanese Torture Device on him, before charging up shot with veto gun. Stewart kicks gun out of Anthony’s hand and catches it, and vetoes anthony. Credits roll.

• Body Count: 26

Where Tentacles Don’t Belong

• Script: Stewart runs through the entrance of the secret base, guns blazing, killing many. He is ambushed by an Ancient Break-Away Vase With Humongous Intelligent Slimy Tentacles. Tall Girl emerges from deeper within the base, picks up the vase and smashes it over Stewart’s head. Stewart wakes up in a dark room, Man enters. Stewart and Man fight to the death. Stewart emerges victorious, leaves room, Tall Girl shouts ‘What have you done?’ Ninjas fall from the ceiling, grab onto Tall Girl, throw smoke bombs and promptly disappear. Credits roll.

• Body Count: 28

Redemption

• Script: Stewart strides confidently into the base, directly towards the waiting Man. Man snaps his finger, and 25 ninjas step from the shadows, throwing the bound Tall Girl at Stewart. As the ninjas descend upon them, Stewart tightly grasps A Magical Shiny Gold Monocle with a Very Shiny Gold Chain and recites the final words of Gandhi to the tearful girl: “I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand.” The power of the Monocle is unleashed, vaporizing the ninjas where they stand. Stewart punches the man in the face. As Man dies, Stewart and Tall Girl kiss.

• Body Count: 26

Old Fashioned Epic Showdown

• Script: Stewart fights whip wielding ninjas just inside, then sneaks through base, an active steel foundry, garroting ninjas with a stolen whip. He finds Man’s control room, kicks in door, discovers him watching the factory showdown scene of Forty Two Thousand Four Guys Kills Man Twice Again: Unrated. Man draws gun, Stewart disarms him with whip, tackles him through observation window. They land on a catwalk without guardrail above a vat of molten metal, fight, Man falls. Stewart flees as machinery explodes around them and escapes two seconds ahead of a massive explosion. Bodies fall around him as he drives away.

• Body Count: 30

The Man Comes Around

• Script: Thunder rolls. Stewart arrives at the old peanut factory, parking behind the White Horse Peanuts sign. He climbs onto the warehouse roof. Through skylights, Man can be seen overseeing ninja workmen as they prepare an army of bipedal earthquake machines. Alarms sound. Stewart turns to see six ninja approaching across the roof. He fights his way down through the building, to a final stand-off with Man, who threatens to send the earthquake robots out across the world. Thunder rolls, and a thorn tree crashes through a skylight, crushing Man. On the roof, Tall Girl’s hair blows in the wind. Fade.

• Body Count: 36

Death of a Redshirt

• Script: Stuart walks into Man’s lair, stopped by single guard (in red shirt). Guard says Man is busy, said Stuart would come, orders ninjas to attack.

Stuart: “Ninjas??? I see no ninjas…” Voice: “Duh. We’re ninjas” [Fight scene. Stuart shoots 5 ninjas, kills the rest with katanas.] Start confronts Man. Man begins to tell life-story. Stuart shoots Man. Stuart: “Hah! All done, One bullet left.” Throws the gun on floor. Fade to black as Stuart exits. [Gunshot] Tall girl: “Zero.” Stuart begins to ask why, but falls to his knees bleeding. Tall girl exits as scene zooms out, fades to white.

• Body Count: 26