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Sorry to post this here, but I can't seem to get through anywhere else - Help!

The Master Thread

> go Furnace

You are whisked away to the room some call "The Holy Furnace".

> look

Elias IX is genuflecting before the furnace. He extends his hand, which clutches a plain piece of paper, toward the fire.

You observe for a moment, puzzled that the Protagonists have constructed this shrine. Perhaps, you think, they come from a shared past life, in which those with your power are worshipped as Deities.

> wait

You continue to gaze at the room, pondering whether you should disrupt Elias IX's -- and others'? -- servile attitude.

>

The Sandbox

Looking at the other 18 adventurers, you detect the presence of a slightly colorful mist in your eye's peripheral vision. You whip around, only to notice more of these splotches appearing by the second. Some solidify, some disappear. Some violently twist out of sight, as if vetoed by some higher power. Suddenly, a popping noise is heard and a grue appears among the crowd. The grue neither eats anyone nor runs away - there is light, but there is nowhere to hide. It is powerless. The rest of the group recoils in horror from the grue. You look for a possible exit, but there are none yet. You have the vague sensation of wanting to complete an objective, a quest if you will. The shapeless blobs hang in the void around you. You await the formation of something, anything.

> look grue

It looks angry. Very grasshopper-like as well. You see an envelope in its mouth, but you can't read the name on the envelope.

> score

Your current score is 0 out of a possible 601 points.

> backflip

You attempt to do a backflip and fail miserably, no one applauds, no one cheers, everyone just kind of looks at you sadly. The Grue approaches you menacingly, apparently it prefers the weak, sickly, and shamed blobs as opposed to the healthier ones.

> search

You start to look around, but you hear a strange squelching noise behind you. It's coming from one of the blobs of mist. As you stare at the blob, it begins to solidify. The Ruins of the Fortress of Cheese ooze out from the blob, leaving you standing next to a putrid pile of petrified cheese. The sun shines in through the ruins. Behind you, the grue recoils and hides in a very, very dark corner, scared of the light. You hold your nose and begin to dig in the massive pile of cheese. As you dig, you discover a wall formed entirely of "$$$$"s. The walls are still solid, and you can't find any hidden things.

> draw picture on wall

with what?

> inventory

Your pack contains:
A battery-powered brass lantern
A Fire Marshal Recruitment Flyer
A dressing gown (being worn)
A pair of Bunny Slippers (being worn)

Your wallet contains:
No money
A library card
A card bearing 7 (of 8) Subway stamps

You hear convulsive ramblings.

> Pick nose

I'm sorry, but I do not understand that verb in that context, as the ambiguity is too great. You may want to try a phrase beginning with "insert finger".

You feel a certain tension.

> taunt Narrator

I don't know the word "Narrator"

> get cheese

You grab a handful of the rotting cheese and put it in your pack. It quickly changes from a solid block to a complete mess, coating everything in your pack with rotting cheese.

> lick mess

Stifling the urge to vomit, you lick the cheese. Your tongue screams in horror and disintegrates. You scream in horror when you notice you have no tongue. You are unable to speak. You grab some more cheese and place it where your tongue was. It binds to your mouth, creating a new tongue out of the finest, most awesome rotten cheese. It seems to work ok, although it leaves a nasty flavor in your mouth.

> feed cheese to grue

Elias IX's Thread

You were incredibly tired of seeing cheese, so you have been transported to the inside of a tree. A furnace is set on the wall opposite the entrance of the tree. Next to the furnace is a sign reading, “Please insert your offering to the all-powerful 75th Trombone into the fire and wait for the receipt to materialise in your left hand.” Your mind was recently filled with plans for a dueling system in a text adventure, but is currently empty and awaiting something it only knows as a "new dynasty".

>offer Fire Marshall Recruitment Flyer

You receive a reply, "I have all the flyers I need. Victory will be substantive in this Dynasty. No thanks. ;) "

>offer Generic Receipt

The Generic Receipt in your hands suddenly feels thicker; you look at it for a moment and see that it is a new, much larger piece of paper that has been folded twice. Unfolding it, you read a message:

"Your offering is appreciated and accepted. However, I am not so all-powerful as the deity as which you treat me. It is true that every description, Action, and Result known to Protagonists comes ultimately from me. But the only time I have causal power greater than you or any of your colleagues is when you make me Offering! And surely that power is as much yours as mine.

"Therefore, the following listed items are the only effects of your (still very much appreciated) Offering:

1. Your (Elias IX's) Item Held is changed to Awesomest Cheese.
2. Location "The Holy Furnace" is renamed "The Furnace of Benevolence"
3. Location "The Furnace of Benevolence" has Description set to "A furnace is set on the wall opposite the entrance of the tree. Next to the furnace is a sign reading, “Here were many Temptations resisted”.
4. The "Offering" Action is abolished -- that is, deleted -- from the Ruleset and all other existence.

"Please note that with Offering abolished, your item does not turn into a Generic Receipt.

"Thank you once again."

The piece of paper turns into a piece of the awesomest cheese. The Furnace is immediately extinguished. Smoke from the embers slowly curls up to the sign, the words upon which peel themselves away from the surface and waft away with the smoke. When the smoke passes, you see new words carved deep into the sign: "Here were many Temptations resisted."

>

Purplebeard's Thread

Suddenly, you find yourself inside a green cat, waiting for the apocalypse to commence. Figuring someone must have teleported you, you eat a French milkman in the hopes of getting superpowers. Instead, three daemons appear and take your soul... out for dinner. You expect it'll be back before the dread cucumbers come to set fire to mars.

>

Smith's Thread

You are standing in the ruins of the fabled Fortress of Cheese. They are nice to look at but smell terrible. There is a crowd of people and other beings milling about, including one panicking schmuck who keeps gnashing and wailing about his wallet. You have a powerful urge to go somewhere less cheesy. In front of you is a forest which looks ominous for some reason. Why not go there?

> enter forest

You attempt to enter the forest, but a gnarled root trips you up and you smack your forehead on a branch (or did it swing out and hit you?). You stagger back to the Fortress of Cheese, stunned.

> cry